Merely Acquaintances

After a visit with friends from Chicago last month, I had an epiphany about my life in Utah and why I find myself occasionally frustrated and hating the life I have chosen to live here. I came to the realization that living here the majority of "friends" I have fall into 2 categories: those who I have a working relationship with and I really have to question if it wasn't for that relationship if I would even be a part of their lives and those who are merely acquaintances unless a need arises and then they are my friends because they can call on me to serve a purpose or fill a need. This statement seems harsh but at the same time, I feel the need to reiterate not all I call friends fall into these categories, but for the most part the proof is in the pudding. I am very aware of the reasons I am not worthy of true friendship in others eyes and I knew shortly after moving to this place it would be a struggle to have more than pseudo-friends.

Over the past 10 years,I have built up a substantial fortress of defensive walls and truthfully it has been such a slow process, I didn't even realize it was happening to the extent it has. I have become the master of putting on whatever face/mask is asked of me at any given moment of the day to get through the interactions with people as quickly and painlessly as possible by giving that "friend" the version of connie they need at that particular moment. This makes everyone happy, even me so I thought, but in the long run..my happiness is as superficial and temporary as my mask. I find myself cringing when the phone rings and bracing myself when the person on the other end says "hey, I need.... could you..." or "what are you doing such and such a day"..., followed by the "I need" it's rarely an invite to do anything social with someone..it's usually just void filling time.

I find myself extremely uncomfortable when genuine caring is shown for me because I am always waiting for the hidden need or underlying cause to rear its ugly head and show that it wasn't a truly caring moment between friends, but buttering up because they want something from me. Do people truly miss me when I am not somewhere, or is it just that they had to find someone else to sweet talk into filling some physical or emotional void?

The couple of hours spent with my Chicago friends showed me many things, I found the pre-utah connie under all the layers and for that moment in time, was relaxed, said things as I felt they should be said, loved my friends for who they are, just as I felt them loving me not for the connie I am now, but for the connie I used to be and the connie they could still see in me, even though I can't see her myself, but it does give me the hope that I could be again if I could let my guard down.

I avoid a lot of social situations because I hate forced conversation as much as I hate the dreaded silence of being a wallflower in the room with no one to talking to me. It's a major catch-22, so usually I have found it's best to stay home and not deal with either outcome.

I realize adulthood isn't like highschool where you have a close network of friends (not that I had one of those then either.. it was more of a fit in with everybody, fit in with nobody situation)..but I did at least have some friends I trusted with 100% of my heart. I still have those friends, but they are all many miles away..thankfully technology helps the distance not seem so far away.

I am grateful that I am beginning to figure out how to be less frustrated with my dealings with people I live amongst. I doubt I will ever be truly happy, as it's a hard thing to feel like the 5th wheel in almost every aspect of my social life, but I must look at it from the Grief cycle perspective-The past 10 years have seen the denial, bargaining and anger stages.. now I must seek acceptance of the realities of living here and make my ownself happy without giving up any of my happiness because others need their needs filled and feel I am the one to do it.

Slacker

So it's been over a year since I last blogged. I was correct in my prediction, it was the year of the brown belt. I needed to rearrange some things in my head and work on letting my shoulder heal some more but I hope to promote to my first Ban-Bu belt at the end of next month and to Black belt by years end. Part of me thought about wiping out all the blog entries and starting from scratch, but I think I will leave them up for now while I chew on what direction to take my blogging.

I have finally stopped listening to my Doctor who told me there was nothing to do but live with my polycystic ovary syndrome. Granted when I was diagnosed 15 years ago or so when we were investigating why the whole having kids thing wasn't working out for us, there was nothing to do but to live with it. But the things that come to light recently is that if the disease is allowed to progress without prevention, ...diabetes, fatty liver disease, obesity with weight gain by just thinking about carbs, insulin resistance, hyperlipidemia are all now a part of my reality now that I am over 4o and wasn't on a preventative maintenance or being monitored for those things which develop. So recently I went from taking no medications to being on horse pills and supplements. I have been adjusting the way I eat and trying only to do the "good carbs" The metformin actually makes me sick if I eat too many of the crappy carbs I shouldn't be eating.. which can be both a good and a bad thing. I go for my first followup since being on the meds in a couple weeks, hopefully the lab results are looking a little better than they did 3 months ago.

year's end

I ended the year doing something I have never done before. The day after Christmas I was on duty and had 1 call. There wasn't anything I could do for this particular person as the choice this person had made left me unable to utilize any skill I have learned as a paramedic except for turning the ambulance around and head back to the fire station. I had New year's eve off from my regular job and had the opportunity to help prepare and serve a meal at the church for this person's family after the funeral. I felt since I had been unable to help the family after the 911 call was made, maybe I could make up for it by helping the family, quietly behind the scenes on another sad day. I have seen a lot of death in my 7 years in EMS and this was the first time I had the opportunity to feel like there was something else I could help with, even in a tiny capacity. I still don't really know how I feel about it. I am glad I did it, but I don't think I will do it again real soon. I have always been able to distance myself from the family when something terrible happens because I focus on the patient and performing any necessary skills. Having this person's spouse come up and give me a hug at the end of the afternoon brought the emotional distance I am comfortable keeping from the situation closer than I have ever been. Probably good for personal growth, but not so good for personal well-being. I'm still chewing on it and probably will be for a while.
I'd like to say I am looking forward to this new year with promise, but right now I am overwhelmed and undermotivated. This causes me to rethink all that I am doing and makes me consider walking away from most everything. This should be the year for blackbelt, but I question if I have the ummph to get myself where I need to be, between the shoulder still snap, crackle and popping and the fact I may have to inconvenience other people in order to assist me in getting myself to where I need to be. Maybe I was only cracked up to be a brown belt and should be happy with that accomplishment.
Still in the same mental place about the fire department, don't love it enough to want to stay, don't hate it enough to want to leave so am playing that day by day, call by call.

A year to black belt

Again it has been forever since I have written anything here. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, and also 9-10 weeks until what will be my first Ban Bu belt camp with the physical testing. So this week I resolve on Monday to begin and complete the 9 week couch to 5k and work on the other portions so I can pass as much of the physical expectations as possible. No more excuses, no more laziness.. there's really no more time to procrastinate and be able to be successful.

After an extremely tough medical call a few weeks ago which had my confidence shattered and my emotions in turmoil, I am beginning to bounce back and feel a small sense of accomplishment and enjoyment my life was once filled with when my pager would go off. My partner and the crew that shows up to lend an extra hand is a big part of it, but the ability to know what needs to be done and be confident in my decisions that they are the best fit for the situation at that moment in time is huge. I am currently taking on the challenge of a fire officer I certification class and that is helping me to have the courage to acknowledge and use some of the qualities others see in me that I don't see in myself in times when I need to take the leadership position and work myself and others through a task. I have to keep reminding myself if others can see good and worth in me, I should too.

I've been filling some spare time working on the family tree. I have a lot of stories on my dad's side of the people on the various branches. On my mom's side I have lots of names and dates but not many stories so that is my goal over the next year is to find out more stories that I can share. Because Maine winters were cold and snowy, I spent a lot of that time working on the family tree. I guess that's why now that the cold has hit here, I find myself wanting to delve into the search engines and pop in the names and dates to find out what I can discover.

My shoulder still bothers me, mostly a chronic ache at this point and I can tell when I have over done things by the different pain the day after I overdo it. It's always sore after a shift at the fire station despite me limiting the amount of lifting and carrying of stuff I do while on shift. The guys I work with are great and most of the time on a medical call I have very little lifting to do and on the fire calls, I am not putting on a scba or going inside of scenes unless I absolutely have to because the shoulder gets sore, just from having the weight of the turnout coat on it and knowing this I don't want to feel what it will feel like with the pack on my back quite yet. I have to get it stronger and less painful so I can get back to life as I knew it on fire calls in addition to the pushups and flex hang that awaits me in February's Ban Bu camp.

catching up

I have been dragging my feet for quite sometime in regards to posting a new blog. Lacking approximately the same amount of ambition for getting the workouts in that I should be getting in. Hopefully I can turn both issues around.

I took a trip out to california, all was enjoyable spending time with friends and family.. except the heat followed me out from the desert. This week I have been attempting to get back into the swing of "normal" life.

There's a new baby kitten in the critter crew, Bella joined us last friday after I got home from california. Gallagher is happy to have a new friend and it's great to have some fresh energy in the house, except at bedtime when I would prefer to be sleeping, she prefers to be pouncing on feet and biting toes with her sharp teeth.

I was introduced to an interesting concept last week which I will go into more in another post. Approval addiction...I admit it's something I have an issue with.. only finding self-worth when I am at work and doing a good job. This goes back to my karate post and not feeling the love through encouraging comments based on the fact that I don't feel I am doing skills worthy of praise. This is why I work so many hours sometimes, not being able to say no.. because if I am working then someone is happy with my performance which means I am ok as a person.

I do realize this is not the way to be and am slowly working to change this pattern that has been part of all of my adult life and explains why I was such a suck up to the teachers in school. Since I didn't fit in with my peers, my only source of self-worth outside my home environment was the praise of the teachers for a job well done whether it be with school work or teacher's pet project.

Focusing on the "can do's" and not the "can't's"

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in my world. An hour and a half into sword camp 2 weeks ago I was working on judo rolls and managed to partially separate my shoulder...the left one of course. I have a new appreciation for patients who state their pain is a 9 or a 10 with movement. It may help to improve my bedside manner a bit, although I have also learned that sucking it up for a couple seconds to move a hurting body part isn't pleasant, but by the same token isn't going to make me die either so that may cause less sympathy for my patients as well. Suck it up Buttercup!!!

I sulked a bit on day 2. Couldn't sleep on my stomach, had to get help getting out of bed, had to totally figure out a new way to do everything right handed for work and couldn't go to karate because it just hurt too much. I knew I needed to get out of the negativity and head back to my normally optimistic state so I started making my day 3 as normal as my shoulder would permit it. In between the ice packs, ibuprofen and adjusting I went back to karate classes, including finishing out the sword camp. My sling became my bokken sheath and I worked everything I could one handed. Self defense techniques were out of the question, and still are for the most part. Katas are hard, but I either focus on stances or do things the best I can with my shoulder in the sling. As I found out the other day, there are particular positions that if performed in a kata will make my shoulder revert back to feeling like day 1 pain.

I haven't done much fire/ems since the shoulder except attend training. I am planning on 2 shifts this week, thursday/friday night and will adjust as necessary since lifting and pulling still aren't options yet. Hopefully if we get called out the calvary will come and assist my partner with normal duties that I can't perform.

Monday I should be able to get rid of the sling for the most part, only using it when the shoulder gets fatigued or painful from gravity pulling on it. I'm trying to take it slow and back off doing stuff when I know I have pushed it too far. Having learned from the Montana ankle injury that took 2 years to heal and still swells 7 years later when it's been abused.. I don't want a repeat experience...especially since this could affect both work and karate.. currently 2 of the most important things in my world.

Sometimes it's way to easy to focus on what we have lost instead of what we have left. That is a bad, downward spiral that leads to some pretty low points in life. It's an incredibly hard place to pull oneself out of, especially if you don't realize you have fallen into that pit or if you do realize but choose to exist in the darkness instead of seeking the light and finding something to be happy about again because the darkness is the easier of the 2 existences.

monday

So here it is, Monday again. This week is at least off to a better start. Work was having issues with their server so I was forced to take an hour lunch and for once took advantage of the time. I grabbed the Ipod and did the first day/first week of couch to 5k. My goal this week if my knee permits is to get through the first week of running and have days of swimming in between. I hope to get to karate 4 times this week as I have so much I need to learn in the next month..I don't know how I am going to get through it.

We worked swords tonight.. weapons perplex me...even when I learn how to do something..it's gone from my brain the next time I am called to do it...

just keep trying I guess...but I am happy with getting the first step of my goals accomplished today.. let's see where I am 9 weeks from now once the C25K kicks in.