Whenever I call you Friend

It's hard to believe 5 years has passed since my friend and mentor Dick lost his battle with multiple myeloma. It was fitting to be out in the woods camping this past weekend on the actual anniversary date, I thought about him as I snuck away from the campfire and sought a little solitude in my tent just before everyone else at the retreat had called it a night. Dick loved the outdoors, especially Yosemite and although I never experienced that side of him, his daughters were kind enough to share their memories and adventures out in the woods with me the day of his funeral.

What a pair we made. He a retired LA county firefighter/public information officer..me a snot-nosed inexperienced rookie firefighter. I didn't have to be anyone else but me when we'd spend time together. No question was too stupid and no story was too longwinded. Dick was a master storyteller, telling me stories of his experiences and asking questions of me about my fire/ems training to become more knowledgeable about fire training in the current day.

The last time we were together, a couple months before he passed we had only planned to spend a couple hours visiting, but the day flew by and before we realized it 16 hours had passed and it was well after midnight and we had talked the entire time. I think we both knew in our hearts it would be the last time we'd be together in the same room and didn't want to have to say goodbye. It wasn't the last time we spoke, but it was the last time I would walk through his front door to be greeted by his bright eyes and friendly smile.

He was one of the reasons I started going to church. Whenever I was in town, the easiest place to meet up with him was at the church he went to. We'd sit together during the service and then either sit on the lawn and swap fire stories or head across the street to a favorite restaurant and have lunch while the fire stories were told. I didn't even realize what was taking place until a few years later when I discovered church no longer was a scary place to be and that most Christians were normal and nonfanatical. Even if Dick was out of town when I was in California, I found myself going to the church on sunday morning for services. It continued for years even after he died. I'd walk the grounds and think of him and the times we shared.

The first picture we ever had taken together was us standing by a Wyland painting of 3 whales under the water, with the mother whale bringing the baby whale up to the surface for it's first breath. I didn't know it at the time, just how much that painting would come to describe our friendship. He guided me up through many things and passed away around the time I got officially notified of being accepted into the paramedic program. He didn't have any doubts I wouldn't be.. I just wish I could have told him personally I had made it.

He had done and learned many things in his life and willingly gave any advice when it was sought. He was one of the most optimistic people I have ever spent time with. He once told me, "I am not dying from cancer, I am living with it." and he did, until his final breath.

May I strive to be that same person for someone else when our paths cross.

Thought for the day: "If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.- author unknown

Beginnings of Black Belt Excellence

With more than a few extra pounds around my waist and not as much upper body strength as I need. I know it's time to start focusing on the physical well-being portion of my existence in addition to the mental portion, especially with the fitness tests headed my way once I earn my brown belt later on this year. I don't want it to be a pack-test experience where I know the test is coming, but still procrastinate and have to do it unprepared. There have been too many years I have done this and not learned my lesson. I am hoping that experience will cause me to be a little more disciplined to prepare for this testing when the time comes. Today is Monday..Mondays are never much fun. The weekend goes by so fast and next thing I realize is it's 5 am Monday morning and I am back to the weekly routine, having not accomplished much of what I had hoped the week before.

A fresh perspective of Mondays is it's also a new beginning. A time to forget the failures of the past week, month or years and a time to begin anew. This is the day it will all change I tell myself and wonder if this will indeed be the case or whether another week will pass by without any discipline, exercise, catching up on house projects etc.

I have yet to get to the gym as I had hoped I would today. But at least I got a couple nagging errands out of the way which I could have used as an excuse all week long as to why I was too busy to get to the gym. We took the pups out for a walk last night and I think I am going to trade the gym today for the wii board and some stretching and save the z-circuit at the gym for tomorrow after work. I haven't had the amount of water to drink today as I should have. A rock-star energy drink just isn't the same. I haven't eaten too crappy today, but I haven't been healthy either. There's chicken and veggies for tonight's dinner so it's not all bad.

So Monday may be a fresh start, but it still leads me down the same path of most mondays; feeling tired and not guilty enough to start what I know I need to start. Water and the Wii will take place tonight, I don't feel like mustering much more at this point.. tomorrow I begin anew and refuse to let next Monday roll around without at least having made a few baby steps in the right direction. I will workout at the gym tomorrow.

Thought for the day: "There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them." Denis Waitley

As I stumble down this path, I refuse to accept the conditions as they exist... I fully accept the responsibility for changing them. Will you come along for the ride?

The first step is sometimes the hardest

I have been thinking about blogging again for a while. Some may remember my paramedic school blog. It's a hard thing to expose one's soft underbelly to the world by putting thoughts into words but after an overnight stay in the woods, it is clear to me that if I am to have any discipline in moving my thoughts into actions and remaining accountable for them, I must take this step and put my thoughts, fears, feelings and experiences down in a blog form, not saying, "Hey look at me, aren't I great" but to help me understand who I am now versus who I hope to become someday through all these experiences.

Mark 6:31 "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while." Whenever my life gets out of whack, I know this is something I need to do, but rarely do it even though I know it is very effective when I do it. I imagine the main reason I ignore this advice is because I hate to admit I might be having a problem. You would think after all the success I have had problem-s0lving by heading off to nature that I would heed the above advice and seek the answer by hiking a trail in the middle of the woods or find a lake to sit by for a day. Admitting I am human and have emotions and weaknesses has always been a hard thing for me as with most people. Find a need and helping others is easy...accepting help myself and admitting need..not so easy.

So the question was asked this weekend.. "Who are you?" After much thought, I admit I really don't know. I know who I once was. I know who I am to others (sister, friend, daughter, teacher, pain in the a$$ and other misc. titles) but right now I really don't have a description for who I am. It's easier to define who I am by what I do and my relationship with others, but that is not really who I am more what I am.

Thought of the day: Invictus-William Ernest Hensley-1875

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud
Under bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of shade
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate
how charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.