The first step is sometimes the hardest

I have been thinking about blogging again for a while. Some may remember my paramedic school blog. It's a hard thing to expose one's soft underbelly to the world by putting thoughts into words but after an overnight stay in the woods, it is clear to me that if I am to have any discipline in moving my thoughts into actions and remaining accountable for them, I must take this step and put my thoughts, fears, feelings and experiences down in a blog form, not saying, "Hey look at me, aren't I great" but to help me understand who I am now versus who I hope to become someday through all these experiences.

Mark 6:31 "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while." Whenever my life gets out of whack, I know this is something I need to do, but rarely do it even though I know it is very effective when I do it. I imagine the main reason I ignore this advice is because I hate to admit I might be having a problem. You would think after all the success I have had problem-s0lving by heading off to nature that I would heed the above advice and seek the answer by hiking a trail in the middle of the woods or find a lake to sit by for a day. Admitting I am human and have emotions and weaknesses has always been a hard thing for me as with most people. Find a need and helping others is easy...accepting help myself and admitting need..not so easy.

So the question was asked this weekend.. "Who are you?" After much thought, I admit I really don't know. I know who I once was. I know who I am to others (sister, friend, daughter, teacher, pain in the a$$ and other misc. titles) but right now I really don't have a description for who I am. It's easier to define who I am by what I do and my relationship with others, but that is not really who I am more what I am.

Thought of the day: Invictus-William Ernest Hensley-1875

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud
Under bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of shade
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate
how charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.