A year to black belt

Again it has been forever since I have written anything here. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, and also 9-10 weeks until what will be my first Ban Bu belt camp with the physical testing. So this week I resolve on Monday to begin and complete the 9 week couch to 5k and work on the other portions so I can pass as much of the physical expectations as possible. No more excuses, no more laziness.. there's really no more time to procrastinate and be able to be successful.

After an extremely tough medical call a few weeks ago which had my confidence shattered and my emotions in turmoil, I am beginning to bounce back and feel a small sense of accomplishment and enjoyment my life was once filled with when my pager would go off. My partner and the crew that shows up to lend an extra hand is a big part of it, but the ability to know what needs to be done and be confident in my decisions that they are the best fit for the situation at that moment in time is huge. I am currently taking on the challenge of a fire officer I certification class and that is helping me to have the courage to acknowledge and use some of the qualities others see in me that I don't see in myself in times when I need to take the leadership position and work myself and others through a task. I have to keep reminding myself if others can see good and worth in me, I should too.

I've been filling some spare time working on the family tree. I have a lot of stories on my dad's side of the people on the various branches. On my mom's side I have lots of names and dates but not many stories so that is my goal over the next year is to find out more stories that I can share. Because Maine winters were cold and snowy, I spent a lot of that time working on the family tree. I guess that's why now that the cold has hit here, I find myself wanting to delve into the search engines and pop in the names and dates to find out what I can discover.

My shoulder still bothers me, mostly a chronic ache at this point and I can tell when I have over done things by the different pain the day after I overdo it. It's always sore after a shift at the fire station despite me limiting the amount of lifting and carrying of stuff I do while on shift. The guys I work with are great and most of the time on a medical call I have very little lifting to do and on the fire calls, I am not putting on a scba or going inside of scenes unless I absolutely have to because the shoulder gets sore, just from having the weight of the turnout coat on it and knowing this I don't want to feel what it will feel like with the pack on my back quite yet. I have to get it stronger and less painful so I can get back to life as I knew it on fire calls in addition to the pushups and flex hang that awaits me in February's Ban Bu camp.

catching up

I have been dragging my feet for quite sometime in regards to posting a new blog. Lacking approximately the same amount of ambition for getting the workouts in that I should be getting in. Hopefully I can turn both issues around.

I took a trip out to california, all was enjoyable spending time with friends and family.. except the heat followed me out from the desert. This week I have been attempting to get back into the swing of "normal" life.

There's a new baby kitten in the critter crew, Bella joined us last friday after I got home from california. Gallagher is happy to have a new friend and it's great to have some fresh energy in the house, except at bedtime when I would prefer to be sleeping, she prefers to be pouncing on feet and biting toes with her sharp teeth.

I was introduced to an interesting concept last week which I will go into more in another post. Approval addiction...I admit it's something I have an issue with.. only finding self-worth when I am at work and doing a good job. This goes back to my karate post and not feeling the love through encouraging comments based on the fact that I don't feel I am doing skills worthy of praise. This is why I work so many hours sometimes, not being able to say no.. because if I am working then someone is happy with my performance which means I am ok as a person.

I do realize this is not the way to be and am slowly working to change this pattern that has been part of all of my adult life and explains why I was such a suck up to the teachers in school. Since I didn't fit in with my peers, my only source of self-worth outside my home environment was the praise of the teachers for a job well done whether it be with school work or teacher's pet project.

Focusing on the "can do's" and not the "can't's"

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in my world. An hour and a half into sword camp 2 weeks ago I was working on judo rolls and managed to partially separate my shoulder...the left one of course. I have a new appreciation for patients who state their pain is a 9 or a 10 with movement. It may help to improve my bedside manner a bit, although I have also learned that sucking it up for a couple seconds to move a hurting body part isn't pleasant, but by the same token isn't going to make me die either so that may cause less sympathy for my patients as well. Suck it up Buttercup!!!

I sulked a bit on day 2. Couldn't sleep on my stomach, had to get help getting out of bed, had to totally figure out a new way to do everything right handed for work and couldn't go to karate because it just hurt too much. I knew I needed to get out of the negativity and head back to my normally optimistic state so I started making my day 3 as normal as my shoulder would permit it. In between the ice packs, ibuprofen and adjusting I went back to karate classes, including finishing out the sword camp. My sling became my bokken sheath and I worked everything I could one handed. Self defense techniques were out of the question, and still are for the most part. Katas are hard, but I either focus on stances or do things the best I can with my shoulder in the sling. As I found out the other day, there are particular positions that if performed in a kata will make my shoulder revert back to feeling like day 1 pain.

I haven't done much fire/ems since the shoulder except attend training. I am planning on 2 shifts this week, thursday/friday night and will adjust as necessary since lifting and pulling still aren't options yet. Hopefully if we get called out the calvary will come and assist my partner with normal duties that I can't perform.

Monday I should be able to get rid of the sling for the most part, only using it when the shoulder gets fatigued or painful from gravity pulling on it. I'm trying to take it slow and back off doing stuff when I know I have pushed it too far. Having learned from the Montana ankle injury that took 2 years to heal and still swells 7 years later when it's been abused.. I don't want a repeat experience...especially since this could affect both work and karate.. currently 2 of the most important things in my world.

Sometimes it's way to easy to focus on what we have lost instead of what we have left. That is a bad, downward spiral that leads to some pretty low points in life. It's an incredibly hard place to pull oneself out of, especially if you don't realize you have fallen into that pit or if you do realize but choose to exist in the darkness instead of seeking the light and finding something to be happy about again because the darkness is the easier of the 2 existences.

monday

So here it is, Monday again. This week is at least off to a better start. Work was having issues with their server so I was forced to take an hour lunch and for once took advantage of the time. I grabbed the Ipod and did the first day/first week of couch to 5k. My goal this week if my knee permits is to get through the first week of running and have days of swimming in between. I hope to get to karate 4 times this week as I have so much I need to learn in the next month..I don't know how I am going to get through it.

We worked swords tonight.. weapons perplex me...even when I learn how to do something..it's gone from my brain the next time I am called to do it...

just keep trying I guess...but I am happy with getting the first step of my goals accomplished today.. let's see where I am 9 weeks from now once the C25K kicks in.

Realization

So over the past week I have been working overtime.. couldn't say no thanks so I fell back into taking care of others needs instead of my own. I feel happy this afternoon that I am done with the overtime and can get back to focusing on doing what I need to do.. especially since I have crept back over into 2oo territory and after the all the work of the past couple years wasted on stress snacking.. I really need to get back on track.

Thinking about why I haven't been totally able to buy into karate made me realize something. The only thing I don't love about karate is the encouraging praise. Sounds odd I know, but after many years of hearing people say things they really don't mean, or praising because they want to sound encouraging but really could care less about my success, or the worst of the bunch: those who encourage and praise but in their hearts mean the exact opposite and hope for failure... words are nothing but fluff to me and unless I trust someone whole-heartedly to say what they mean and mean what they say.. if anything words of praise and encouragement send me down a darker, more negative path. I realize this is not the case with my instructor..praise, correct, praise.. but old habits die hard and much like a soft squishy handshake comes across as "could care less, let's move onto someone who matters or knows what they are doing." most of the time in class because of my extreme frustration at lack of natural ability, this is how I perceive things.

Don't get me wrong, attaboys make me smile when I know I have done a job well. But under any other circumstance, especially in a bunch of people.. I'd prefer to go un-noticed. I am wondering if besides the fact that I do admit to stress eating and still need to get that under control, and the fact that I am compulsively lazy, if this is one of the reasons I time after time have gained the weight back and stopped exercising. When I am a fat blob I can morph into the wallpaper and go unnoticed in a room. When I lose some of the weight, I get complimented and even though the person may mean exactly what they say... it sends me down the "How fun for you, bless your little heart, you have such a sweet spirit" mind-set. I know it's a combination of things,,, mostly the calories in don't equal the calories out..but it may have something to do with it.

It's been almost 7 months since I've given up the drink. I still cook with it, but since the last time I had a bottle open just to drink, it's been 7 months.. and 10 months since the last time I reached the point of intoxication. Now if I can just learn to eat to fuel my body instead of my emotions I will be one step closer to finding the balance. I miss the intoxication sometimes, miss the taste sometimes but I know it's for the better.

So now that I realized that in my head, all praise and encouragement is unjustified unless a job has been truly done well.. that's all it is is a realization.. I have no clue how to change my thinking about mistrusting others and their words... but will try to work on that too.

A Step in the Right Direction

It's been a good day. It took a week and a half to finally get started but this week I got around to renewing my pool pass and today after work I went swimming. It was only for 20 minutes, but in line with the belief of doing one thing that makes you happy each day.. this was my one thing for today. I forget how much I enjoy shutting down the mind as I slowly swim laps back and forth.

Karate went ok tonight. I love self-defense night because it means ground work and grappeling. It's been over a year since I started karate and despite making some large strides in a few areas, I still haven't completely given into the process. I'll explore that in another blog entry because I don't want to venture down that road tonight.. I am too relaxed and happy. I will admit during the tournament, I did succeed in giving in and letting go.. but that was out of my usual element.

It's going to be a scorcher the next couple of days so I think a few visits to the pool will be in order. I am tired tonight, good sleep will come easy I think.

What's in a name

When I lived in Des Plaines, IL, I had the pleasure of being introduced to a wonderful singer/songwriter named Tom Dundee. He was a dear friend of one of my friends, merely an aquaintance of mine. I had the pleasure of seeing him perform many times, shared a pizza or 2 with him after shows and was extremely saddened a few years ago when he died from injuries after a motorcycle accident. The world lost an amazing man in April of 2006 and I definately wish I could seen him perform just one more time. I am thankful for the CDs (and albums) he recorded so at least I can have him as part of the soundtrack to my life.

This blog is named after one of the songs he wrote. When I was trying to think of something creative to call it.. it was the first thing that popped into my head, so I went with it.

A Delicate Balance-Tom Dundee

Deep within there is a vision
That time is nothing but space,
And between every minute and mile that is in it
Somehow there's a beautiful face.

And it's all such a delicate balance
That the sport of infinity gives,
Expectations we have can lead down the path
Where that devil discouragement lives.

I dreamed I was barer than naked
And it scared me so bad that I called,
"Help me back to the prision, with the chains of the living."
Although nothing had hurt me at all.

And it's all just a delicate balance
As it turns through the circles of air,
To worry does nothing but steals from the loving
And robs from the pleasure that's there.

Deep within there is a feeling
That love and understanding's the door,
And honesty is the key that was given to you and me
To open it and so many more.

And it's all just a delicate balance
Takes away just as much as it gives,
To live it is real, to love it is to feel
You're a part of what everything is.

I think tomorrow since he's on my mind, he'll be played while I work.

And it's another Monday. Last week wasn't nearly as active as I had hoped. I did enjoy the downtime and evenings free. I did drop .8 pounds and got to the gym once. I remembered how much I enjoyed swimming so I think I will renew my pool pass from a few years ago and start hitting the pool for some laps on the nights I have karate since I drive right past it on my way home. No excuses except pure laziness there.

Guess we'll see what this week brings.

Stealing Joy

If you are sitting in your livingroom watching the best movie on tv and eating the greatest banana split in the world and a stranger walks into your house, picks up your tv in one hand and grabs your banana split with the other before walking right back out of your house taking away your moment of bliss, moment of joy. Would you just sit there and let him or would you get up off the couch, grab the nearest weapon and beat the snot out of him to try to get your tv and banana split back.

Most people would chase after and fight back in this situation. Why is it then in our lives we allow not only strangers, but more often then not friends to walk into our lives and steal the joy from our lives, from our home or from our jobs/hobbies? Our lives are what we make of them and no one has the right to take that away. Most of the time we don't even realize the joy is being sucked out of a situation until we are too far gone and think that something is wrong with us. It can leave one extremely broken and bitter.

Once your joy is stolen, your world is never the same. You may strive to get back to the person you once knew, but you come out of it a different, changed person, even if it's ever so slight. A little less trusting, a little more resistant and you may not even be able to reach the same level of happiness you once knew. At this point the hard decision needs to be made to continue to pursue at a lower level of happiness or jump ship and find something untarnished to pursue being wary of those pursuing it with you.

Change is hard, but as humans we should always seek to grow more, know more and evolve. Without this we become stagnant and that might be worse than going through the change and evolution.

Firefighting and EMS has become this for me. I have known this for a couple years, but despite my attempts at leaving the field..I keep allowing myself to get sucked back into it like a junkie hoping that one more fix will make it all better. I am glad to have had the realization that I allowed someone to steal the joy I once found holding onto a hose or bouncing around in the back of a speeding ambulance, but I am still teetering on the edge of figuring out whether to stay and work with the pieces I have left or chock it all up to experience and shut the door on this portion of my existence.

For now I will stay on the current path, seems whenever I divert I get nudges that despite me wanting to be done.. it's not quite time to be done and that things will work out one way or another eventually but I need to have the patience to stick it out for right now.

Thought for the day: " Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youier than you." Dr Seuss

Whenever I call you Friend

It's hard to believe 5 years has passed since my friend and mentor Dick lost his battle with multiple myeloma. It was fitting to be out in the woods camping this past weekend on the actual anniversary date, I thought about him as I snuck away from the campfire and sought a little solitude in my tent just before everyone else at the retreat had called it a night. Dick loved the outdoors, especially Yosemite and although I never experienced that side of him, his daughters were kind enough to share their memories and adventures out in the woods with me the day of his funeral.

What a pair we made. He a retired LA county firefighter/public information officer..me a snot-nosed inexperienced rookie firefighter. I didn't have to be anyone else but me when we'd spend time together. No question was too stupid and no story was too longwinded. Dick was a master storyteller, telling me stories of his experiences and asking questions of me about my fire/ems training to become more knowledgeable about fire training in the current day.

The last time we were together, a couple months before he passed we had only planned to spend a couple hours visiting, but the day flew by and before we realized it 16 hours had passed and it was well after midnight and we had talked the entire time. I think we both knew in our hearts it would be the last time we'd be together in the same room and didn't want to have to say goodbye. It wasn't the last time we spoke, but it was the last time I would walk through his front door to be greeted by his bright eyes and friendly smile.

He was one of the reasons I started going to church. Whenever I was in town, the easiest place to meet up with him was at the church he went to. We'd sit together during the service and then either sit on the lawn and swap fire stories or head across the street to a favorite restaurant and have lunch while the fire stories were told. I didn't even realize what was taking place until a few years later when I discovered church no longer was a scary place to be and that most Christians were normal and nonfanatical. Even if Dick was out of town when I was in California, I found myself going to the church on sunday morning for services. It continued for years even after he died. I'd walk the grounds and think of him and the times we shared.

The first picture we ever had taken together was us standing by a Wyland painting of 3 whales under the water, with the mother whale bringing the baby whale up to the surface for it's first breath. I didn't know it at the time, just how much that painting would come to describe our friendship. He guided me up through many things and passed away around the time I got officially notified of being accepted into the paramedic program. He didn't have any doubts I wouldn't be.. I just wish I could have told him personally I had made it.

He had done and learned many things in his life and willingly gave any advice when it was sought. He was one of the most optimistic people I have ever spent time with. He once told me, "I am not dying from cancer, I am living with it." and he did, until his final breath.

May I strive to be that same person for someone else when our paths cross.

Thought for the day: "If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.- author unknown

Beginnings of Black Belt Excellence

With more than a few extra pounds around my waist and not as much upper body strength as I need. I know it's time to start focusing on the physical well-being portion of my existence in addition to the mental portion, especially with the fitness tests headed my way once I earn my brown belt later on this year. I don't want it to be a pack-test experience where I know the test is coming, but still procrastinate and have to do it unprepared. There have been too many years I have done this and not learned my lesson. I am hoping that experience will cause me to be a little more disciplined to prepare for this testing when the time comes. Today is Monday..Mondays are never much fun. The weekend goes by so fast and next thing I realize is it's 5 am Monday morning and I am back to the weekly routine, having not accomplished much of what I had hoped the week before.

A fresh perspective of Mondays is it's also a new beginning. A time to forget the failures of the past week, month or years and a time to begin anew. This is the day it will all change I tell myself and wonder if this will indeed be the case or whether another week will pass by without any discipline, exercise, catching up on house projects etc.

I have yet to get to the gym as I had hoped I would today. But at least I got a couple nagging errands out of the way which I could have used as an excuse all week long as to why I was too busy to get to the gym. We took the pups out for a walk last night and I think I am going to trade the gym today for the wii board and some stretching and save the z-circuit at the gym for tomorrow after work. I haven't had the amount of water to drink today as I should have. A rock-star energy drink just isn't the same. I haven't eaten too crappy today, but I haven't been healthy either. There's chicken and veggies for tonight's dinner so it's not all bad.

So Monday may be a fresh start, but it still leads me down the same path of most mondays; feeling tired and not guilty enough to start what I know I need to start. Water and the Wii will take place tonight, I don't feel like mustering much more at this point.. tomorrow I begin anew and refuse to let next Monday roll around without at least having made a few baby steps in the right direction. I will workout at the gym tomorrow.

Thought for the day: "There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them." Denis Waitley

As I stumble down this path, I refuse to accept the conditions as they exist... I fully accept the responsibility for changing them. Will you come along for the ride?

The first step is sometimes the hardest

I have been thinking about blogging again for a while. Some may remember my paramedic school blog. It's a hard thing to expose one's soft underbelly to the world by putting thoughts into words but after an overnight stay in the woods, it is clear to me that if I am to have any discipline in moving my thoughts into actions and remaining accountable for them, I must take this step and put my thoughts, fears, feelings and experiences down in a blog form, not saying, "Hey look at me, aren't I great" but to help me understand who I am now versus who I hope to become someday through all these experiences.

Mark 6:31 "Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while." Whenever my life gets out of whack, I know this is something I need to do, but rarely do it even though I know it is very effective when I do it. I imagine the main reason I ignore this advice is because I hate to admit I might be having a problem. You would think after all the success I have had problem-s0lving by heading off to nature that I would heed the above advice and seek the answer by hiking a trail in the middle of the woods or find a lake to sit by for a day. Admitting I am human and have emotions and weaknesses has always been a hard thing for me as with most people. Find a need and helping others is easy...accepting help myself and admitting need..not so easy.

So the question was asked this weekend.. "Who are you?" After much thought, I admit I really don't know. I know who I once was. I know who I am to others (sister, friend, daughter, teacher, pain in the a$$ and other misc. titles) but right now I really don't have a description for who I am. It's easier to define who I am by what I do and my relationship with others, but that is not really who I am more what I am.

Thought of the day: Invictus-William Ernest Hensley-1875

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud
Under bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of shade
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate
how charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.