So here it is, Monday again. This week is at least off to a better start. Work was having issues with their server so I was forced to take an hour lunch and for once took advantage of the time. I grabbed the Ipod and did the first day/first week of couch to 5k. My goal this week if my knee permits is to get through the first week of running and have days of swimming in between. I hope to get to karate 4 times this week as I have so much I need to learn in the next month..I don't know how I am going to get through it.
We worked swords tonight.. weapons perplex me...even when I learn how to do something..it's gone from my brain the next time I am called to do it...
just keep trying I guess...but I am happy with getting the first step of my goals accomplished today.. let's see where I am 9 weeks from now once the C25K kicks in.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Realization
So over the past week I have been working overtime.. couldn't say no thanks so I fell back into taking care of others needs instead of my own. I feel happy this afternoon that I am done with the overtime and can get back to focusing on doing what I need to do.. especially since I have crept back over into 2oo territory and after the all the work of the past couple years wasted on stress snacking.. I really need to get back on track.
Thinking about why I haven't been totally able to buy into karate made me realize something. The only thing I don't love about karate is the encouraging praise. Sounds odd I know, but after many years of hearing people say things they really don't mean, or praising because they want to sound encouraging but really could care less about my success, or the worst of the bunch: those who encourage and praise but in their hearts mean the exact opposite and hope for failure... words are nothing but fluff to me and unless I trust someone whole-heartedly to say what they mean and mean what they say.. if anything words of praise and encouragement send me down a darker, more negative path. I realize this is not the case with my instructor..praise, correct, praise.. but old habits die hard and much like a soft squishy handshake comes across as "could care less, let's move onto someone who matters or knows what they are doing." most of the time in class because of my extreme frustration at lack of natural ability, this is how I perceive things.
Don't get me wrong, attaboys make me smile when I know I have done a job well. But under any other circumstance, especially in a bunch of people.. I'd prefer to go un-noticed. I am wondering if besides the fact that I do admit to stress eating and still need to get that under control, and the fact that I am compulsively lazy, if this is one of the reasons I time after time have gained the weight back and stopped exercising. When I am a fat blob I can morph into the wallpaper and go unnoticed in a room. When I lose some of the weight, I get complimented and even though the person may mean exactly what they say... it sends me down the "How fun for you, bless your little heart, you have such a sweet spirit" mind-set. I know it's a combination of things,,, mostly the calories in don't equal the calories out..but it may have something to do with it.
It's been almost 7 months since I've given up the drink. I still cook with it, but since the last time I had a bottle open just to drink, it's been 7 months.. and 10 months since the last time I reached the point of intoxication. Now if I can just learn to eat to fuel my body instead of my emotions I will be one step closer to finding the balance. I miss the intoxication sometimes, miss the taste sometimes but I know it's for the better.
So now that I realized that in my head, all praise and encouragement is unjustified unless a job has been truly done well.. that's all it is is a realization.. I have no clue how to change my thinking about mistrusting others and their words... but will try to work on that too.
Thinking about why I haven't been totally able to buy into karate made me realize something. The only thing I don't love about karate is the encouraging praise. Sounds odd I know, but after many years of hearing people say things they really don't mean, or praising because they want to sound encouraging but really could care less about my success, or the worst of the bunch: those who encourage and praise but in their hearts mean the exact opposite and hope for failure... words are nothing but fluff to me and unless I trust someone whole-heartedly to say what they mean and mean what they say.. if anything words of praise and encouragement send me down a darker, more negative path. I realize this is not the case with my instructor..praise, correct, praise.. but old habits die hard and much like a soft squishy handshake comes across as "could care less, let's move onto someone who matters or knows what they are doing." most of the time in class because of my extreme frustration at lack of natural ability, this is how I perceive things.
Don't get me wrong, attaboys make me smile when I know I have done a job well. But under any other circumstance, especially in a bunch of people.. I'd prefer to go un-noticed. I am wondering if besides the fact that I do admit to stress eating and still need to get that under control, and the fact that I am compulsively lazy, if this is one of the reasons I time after time have gained the weight back and stopped exercising. When I am a fat blob I can morph into the wallpaper and go unnoticed in a room. When I lose some of the weight, I get complimented and even though the person may mean exactly what they say... it sends me down the "How fun for you, bless your little heart, you have such a sweet spirit" mind-set. I know it's a combination of things,,, mostly the calories in don't equal the calories out..but it may have something to do with it.
It's been almost 7 months since I've given up the drink. I still cook with it, but since the last time I had a bottle open just to drink, it's been 7 months.. and 10 months since the last time I reached the point of intoxication. Now if I can just learn to eat to fuel my body instead of my emotions I will be one step closer to finding the balance. I miss the intoxication sometimes, miss the taste sometimes but I know it's for the better.
So now that I realized that in my head, all praise and encouragement is unjustified unless a job has been truly done well.. that's all it is is a realization.. I have no clue how to change my thinking about mistrusting others and their words... but will try to work on that too.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Step in the Right Direction
It's been a good day. It took a week and a half to finally get started but this week I got around to renewing my pool pass and today after work I went swimming. It was only for 20 minutes, but in line with the belief of doing one thing that makes you happy each day.. this was my one thing for today. I forget how much I enjoy shutting down the mind as I slowly swim laps back and forth.
Karate went ok tonight. I love self-defense night because it means ground work and grappeling. It's been over a year since I started karate and despite making some large strides in a few areas, I still haven't completely given into the process. I'll explore that in another blog entry because I don't want to venture down that road tonight.. I am too relaxed and happy. I will admit during the tournament, I did succeed in giving in and letting go.. but that was out of my usual element.
It's going to be a scorcher the next couple of days so I think a few visits to the pool will be in order. I am tired tonight, good sleep will come easy I think.
Karate went ok tonight. I love self-defense night because it means ground work and grappeling. It's been over a year since I started karate and despite making some large strides in a few areas, I still haven't completely given into the process. I'll explore that in another blog entry because I don't want to venture down that road tonight.. I am too relaxed and happy. I will admit during the tournament, I did succeed in giving in and letting go.. but that was out of my usual element.
It's going to be a scorcher the next couple of days so I think a few visits to the pool will be in order. I am tired tonight, good sleep will come easy I think.
Monday, July 5, 2010
What's in a name
When I lived in Des Plaines, IL, I had the pleasure of being introduced to a wonderful singer/songwriter named Tom Dundee. He was a dear friend of one of my friends, merely an aquaintance of mine. I had the pleasure of seeing him perform many times, shared a pizza or 2 with him after shows and was extremely saddened a few years ago when he died from injuries after a motorcycle accident. The world lost an amazing man in April of 2006 and I definately wish I could seen him perform just one more time. I am thankful for the CDs (and albums) he recorded so at least I can have him as part of the soundtrack to my life.
This blog is named after one of the songs he wrote. When I was trying to think of something creative to call it.. it was the first thing that popped into my head, so I went with it.
A Delicate Balance-Tom Dundee
Deep within there is a vision
That time is nothing but space,
And between every minute and mile that is in it
Somehow there's a beautiful face.
And it's all such a delicate balance
That the sport of infinity gives,
Expectations we have can lead down the path
Where that devil discouragement lives.
I dreamed I was barer than naked
And it scared me so bad that I called,
"Help me back to the prision, with the chains of the living."
Although nothing had hurt me at all.
And it's all just a delicate balance
As it turns through the circles of air,
To worry does nothing but steals from the loving
And robs from the pleasure that's there.
Deep within there is a feeling
That love and understanding's the door,
And honesty is the key that was given to you and me
To open it and so many more.
And it's all just a delicate balance
Takes away just as much as it gives,
To live it is real, to love it is to feel
You're a part of what everything is.
I think tomorrow since he's on my mind, he'll be played while I work.
And it's another Monday. Last week wasn't nearly as active as I had hoped. I did enjoy the downtime and evenings free. I did drop .8 pounds and got to the gym once. I remembered how much I enjoyed swimming so I think I will renew my pool pass from a few years ago and start hitting the pool for some laps on the nights I have karate since I drive right past it on my way home. No excuses except pure laziness there.
Guess we'll see what this week brings.
This blog is named after one of the songs he wrote. When I was trying to think of something creative to call it.. it was the first thing that popped into my head, so I went with it.
A Delicate Balance-Tom Dundee
Deep within there is a vision
That time is nothing but space,
And between every minute and mile that is in it
Somehow there's a beautiful face.
And it's all such a delicate balance
That the sport of infinity gives,
Expectations we have can lead down the path
Where that devil discouragement lives.
I dreamed I was barer than naked
And it scared me so bad that I called,
"Help me back to the prision, with the chains of the living."
Although nothing had hurt me at all.
And it's all just a delicate balance
As it turns through the circles of air,
To worry does nothing but steals from the loving
And robs from the pleasure that's there.
Deep within there is a feeling
That love and understanding's the door,
And honesty is the key that was given to you and me
To open it and so many more.
And it's all just a delicate balance
Takes away just as much as it gives,
To live it is real, to love it is to feel
You're a part of what everything is.
I think tomorrow since he's on my mind, he'll be played while I work.
And it's another Monday. Last week wasn't nearly as active as I had hoped. I did enjoy the downtime and evenings free. I did drop .8 pounds and got to the gym once. I remembered how much I enjoyed swimming so I think I will renew my pool pass from a few years ago and start hitting the pool for some laps on the nights I have karate since I drive right past it on my way home. No excuses except pure laziness there.
Guess we'll see what this week brings.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Stealing Joy
If you are sitting in your livingroom watching the best movie on tv and eating the greatest banana split in the world and a stranger walks into your house, picks up your tv in one hand and grabs your banana split with the other before walking right back out of your house taking away your moment of bliss, moment of joy. Would you just sit there and let him or would you get up off the couch, grab the nearest weapon and beat the snot out of him to try to get your tv and banana split back.
Most people would chase after and fight back in this situation. Why is it then in our lives we allow not only strangers, but more often then not friends to walk into our lives and steal the joy from our lives, from our home or from our jobs/hobbies? Our lives are what we make of them and no one has the right to take that away. Most of the time we don't even realize the joy is being sucked out of a situation until we are too far gone and think that something is wrong with us. It can leave one extremely broken and bitter.
Once your joy is stolen, your world is never the same. You may strive to get back to the person you once knew, but you come out of it a different, changed person, even if it's ever so slight. A little less trusting, a little more resistant and you may not even be able to reach the same level of happiness you once knew. At this point the hard decision needs to be made to continue to pursue at a lower level of happiness or jump ship and find something untarnished to pursue being wary of those pursuing it with you.
Change is hard, but as humans we should always seek to grow more, know more and evolve. Without this we become stagnant and that might be worse than going through the change and evolution.
Firefighting and EMS has become this for me. I have known this for a couple years, but despite my attempts at leaving the field..I keep allowing myself to get sucked back into it like a junkie hoping that one more fix will make it all better. I am glad to have had the realization that I allowed someone to steal the joy I once found holding onto a hose or bouncing around in the back of a speeding ambulance, but I am still teetering on the edge of figuring out whether to stay and work with the pieces I have left or chock it all up to experience and shut the door on this portion of my existence.
For now I will stay on the current path, seems whenever I divert I get nudges that despite me wanting to be done.. it's not quite time to be done and that things will work out one way or another eventually but I need to have the patience to stick it out for right now.
Thought for the day: " Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youier than you." Dr Seuss
Most people would chase after and fight back in this situation. Why is it then in our lives we allow not only strangers, but more often then not friends to walk into our lives and steal the joy from our lives, from our home or from our jobs/hobbies? Our lives are what we make of them and no one has the right to take that away. Most of the time we don't even realize the joy is being sucked out of a situation until we are too far gone and think that something is wrong with us. It can leave one extremely broken and bitter.
Once your joy is stolen, your world is never the same. You may strive to get back to the person you once knew, but you come out of it a different, changed person, even if it's ever so slight. A little less trusting, a little more resistant and you may not even be able to reach the same level of happiness you once knew. At this point the hard decision needs to be made to continue to pursue at a lower level of happiness or jump ship and find something untarnished to pursue being wary of those pursuing it with you.
Change is hard, but as humans we should always seek to grow more, know more and evolve. Without this we become stagnant and that might be worse than going through the change and evolution.
Firefighting and EMS has become this for me. I have known this for a couple years, but despite my attempts at leaving the field..I keep allowing myself to get sucked back into it like a junkie hoping that one more fix will make it all better. I am glad to have had the realization that I allowed someone to steal the joy I once found holding onto a hose or bouncing around in the back of a speeding ambulance, but I am still teetering on the edge of figuring out whether to stay and work with the pieces I have left or chock it all up to experience and shut the door on this portion of my existence.
For now I will stay on the current path, seems whenever I divert I get nudges that despite me wanting to be done.. it's not quite time to be done and that things will work out one way or another eventually but I need to have the patience to stick it out for right now.
Thought for the day: " Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youier than you." Dr Seuss
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