Realization

So over the past week I have been working overtime.. couldn't say no thanks so I fell back into taking care of others needs instead of my own. I feel happy this afternoon that I am done with the overtime and can get back to focusing on doing what I need to do.. especially since I have crept back over into 2oo territory and after the all the work of the past couple years wasted on stress snacking.. I really need to get back on track.

Thinking about why I haven't been totally able to buy into karate made me realize something. The only thing I don't love about karate is the encouraging praise. Sounds odd I know, but after many years of hearing people say things they really don't mean, or praising because they want to sound encouraging but really could care less about my success, or the worst of the bunch: those who encourage and praise but in their hearts mean the exact opposite and hope for failure... words are nothing but fluff to me and unless I trust someone whole-heartedly to say what they mean and mean what they say.. if anything words of praise and encouragement send me down a darker, more negative path. I realize this is not the case with my instructor..praise, correct, praise.. but old habits die hard and much like a soft squishy handshake comes across as "could care less, let's move onto someone who matters or knows what they are doing." most of the time in class because of my extreme frustration at lack of natural ability, this is how I perceive things.

Don't get me wrong, attaboys make me smile when I know I have done a job well. But under any other circumstance, especially in a bunch of people.. I'd prefer to go un-noticed. I am wondering if besides the fact that I do admit to stress eating and still need to get that under control, and the fact that I am compulsively lazy, if this is one of the reasons I time after time have gained the weight back and stopped exercising. When I am a fat blob I can morph into the wallpaper and go unnoticed in a room. When I lose some of the weight, I get complimented and even though the person may mean exactly what they say... it sends me down the "How fun for you, bless your little heart, you have such a sweet spirit" mind-set. I know it's a combination of things,,, mostly the calories in don't equal the calories out..but it may have something to do with it.

It's been almost 7 months since I've given up the drink. I still cook with it, but since the last time I had a bottle open just to drink, it's been 7 months.. and 10 months since the last time I reached the point of intoxication. Now if I can just learn to eat to fuel my body instead of my emotions I will be one step closer to finding the balance. I miss the intoxication sometimes, miss the taste sometimes but I know it's for the better.

So now that I realized that in my head, all praise and encouragement is unjustified unless a job has been truly done well.. that's all it is is a realization.. I have no clue how to change my thinking about mistrusting others and their words... but will try to work on that too.