Merely Acquaintances

After a visit with friends from Chicago last month, I had an epiphany about my life in Utah and why I find myself occasionally frustrated and hating the life I have chosen to live here. I came to the realization that living here the majority of "friends" I have fall into 2 categories: those who I have a working relationship with and I really have to question if it wasn't for that relationship if I would even be a part of their lives and those who are merely acquaintances unless a need arises and then they are my friends because they can call on me to serve a purpose or fill a need. This statement seems harsh but at the same time, I feel the need to reiterate not all I call friends fall into these categories, but for the most part the proof is in the pudding. I am very aware of the reasons I am not worthy of true friendship in others eyes and I knew shortly after moving to this place it would be a struggle to have more than pseudo-friends.

Over the past 10 years,I have built up a substantial fortress of defensive walls and truthfully it has been such a slow process, I didn't even realize it was happening to the extent it has. I have become the master of putting on whatever face/mask is asked of me at any given moment of the day to get through the interactions with people as quickly and painlessly as possible by giving that "friend" the version of connie they need at that particular moment. This makes everyone happy, even me so I thought, but in the long run..my happiness is as superficial and temporary as my mask. I find myself cringing when the phone rings and bracing myself when the person on the other end says "hey, I need.... could you..." or "what are you doing such and such a day"..., followed by the "I need" it's rarely an invite to do anything social with someone..it's usually just void filling time.

I find myself extremely uncomfortable when genuine caring is shown for me because I am always waiting for the hidden need or underlying cause to rear its ugly head and show that it wasn't a truly caring moment between friends, but buttering up because they want something from me. Do people truly miss me when I am not somewhere, or is it just that they had to find someone else to sweet talk into filling some physical or emotional void?

The couple of hours spent with my Chicago friends showed me many things, I found the pre-utah connie under all the layers and for that moment in time, was relaxed, said things as I felt they should be said, loved my friends for who they are, just as I felt them loving me not for the connie I am now, but for the connie I used to be and the connie they could still see in me, even though I can't see her myself, but it does give me the hope that I could be again if I could let my guard down.

I avoid a lot of social situations because I hate forced conversation as much as I hate the dreaded silence of being a wallflower in the room with no one to talking to me. It's a major catch-22, so usually I have found it's best to stay home and not deal with either outcome.

I realize adulthood isn't like highschool where you have a close network of friends (not that I had one of those then either.. it was more of a fit in with everybody, fit in with nobody situation)..but I did at least have some friends I trusted with 100% of my heart. I still have those friends, but they are all many miles away..thankfully technology helps the distance not seem so far away.

I am grateful that I am beginning to figure out how to be less frustrated with my dealings with people I live amongst. I doubt I will ever be truly happy, as it's a hard thing to feel like the 5th wheel in almost every aspect of my social life, but I must look at it from the Grief cycle perspective-The past 10 years have seen the denial, bargaining and anger stages.. now I must seek acceptance of the realities of living here and make my ownself happy without giving up any of my happiness because others need their needs filled and feel I am the one to do it.