year's end

I ended the year doing something I have never done before. The day after Christmas I was on duty and had 1 call. There wasn't anything I could do for this particular person as the choice this person had made left me unable to utilize any skill I have learned as a paramedic except for turning the ambulance around and head back to the fire station. I had New year's eve off from my regular job and had the opportunity to help prepare and serve a meal at the church for this person's family after the funeral. I felt since I had been unable to help the family after the 911 call was made, maybe I could make up for it by helping the family, quietly behind the scenes on another sad day. I have seen a lot of death in my 7 years in EMS and this was the first time I had the opportunity to feel like there was something else I could help with, even in a tiny capacity. I still don't really know how I feel about it. I am glad I did it, but I don't think I will do it again real soon. I have always been able to distance myself from the family when something terrible happens because I focus on the patient and performing any necessary skills. Having this person's spouse come up and give me a hug at the end of the afternoon brought the emotional distance I am comfortable keeping from the situation closer than I have ever been. Probably good for personal growth, but not so good for personal well-being. I'm still chewing on it and probably will be for a while.
I'd like to say I am looking forward to this new year with promise, but right now I am overwhelmed and undermotivated. This causes me to rethink all that I am doing and makes me consider walking away from most everything. This should be the year for blackbelt, but I question if I have the ummph to get myself where I need to be, between the shoulder still snap, crackle and popping and the fact I may have to inconvenience other people in order to assist me in getting myself to where I need to be. Maybe I was only cracked up to be a brown belt and should be happy with that accomplishment.
Still in the same mental place about the fire department, don't love it enough to want to stay, don't hate it enough to want to leave so am playing that day by day, call by call.